Some romances are forbidden. Some are dangerous. And then there’s I Dated a Golden Vampire, which looks like a Sims expansion pack nobody asked for.
Let’s start with the vampire himself — our glittering anti-hero. Except he’s not glittering, he’s gilded. This isn’t a seductive immortal; this is an Oscar statue that escaped from the Dolby Theatre and decided to try Tinder. With his waxy skin and hair like bleached straw, he doesn’t say “centuries of dark passion,” he says “statue in need of polishing.”
And then we have his date — the lucky lady. She’s stiff, plastic, and caught in a pose that suggests equal parts swoon and regret. Her chin is awkwardly lifted by her vampire boyfriend, who seems less interested in kissing her and more like he’s about to check her for cavities. Add in her strange proportions, and she looks like a half-rendered character from The Sims 2: Undead Expansion Pack.
The background? A neon-soaked sunset on the beach, colors dialed up to “apocalypse chic.” Instead of romantic ambiance, it screams Windows XP wallpaper on a sugar high.
Typography doesn’t help.
- I Dated a Golden Vampire is plastered in giant metallic block letters that belong on a Fast & Furious poster, not a romance novel. It’s loud, it’s clunky, and it completely steamrolls whatever mood the cover was trying to set.
- The author’s name lurks underneath in plain white, drowned by the typographic chaos above.
And just in case you weren’t confused enough, at the top sits the series title: Blind Date Corporation. Which sounds less like swoony paranormal matchmaking and more like a shell company under FBI investigation.
The verdict? I Dated a Golden Vampire isn’t hot, it’s not mysterious, and it’s certainly not romantic. It’s a love affair between a spray-painted Oscar statuette and a Sims character at a beach party hosted by Microsoft Paint. The only thing this vampire is sucking is the life out of graphic design.