Let’s talk about Heated Rivalry, a cover that tries so hard to melt the ice, it forgets to look like it belongs on a book and not a fan-made promo for a reality dating show called Skate Dates: Love on Ice.
The title alone could fuel a semester-long class in font indecision. Heated is splashed in a red brush script so overwrought it could double as a lipstick smear across a bathroom mirror in a CW thriller. Then there’s RIVALRY, shouting in metallic sans-serif block caps like it’s headlining an action movie. Together? They scream, “Graphic design is my passion,” but whisper, “I couldn’t decide on a vibe.”
Now, about our tender hockey bros. They’re forehead-to-forehead, smiling with the kind of intimacy that says this is definitely not how you greet your opponent during a face-off. Their bodies are rendered with a sort of plastic-sheen polish that could only come from a very confused AI generator who just binge-watched Blades of Glory and tried to make it gay. The jerseys? Almost believable. The gloves? Possibly inspired by 1980s oven mitts. And the sticks? Let’s just say, physics called—they want a word.
Then there’s the background. Or should we say: the Beige Aurora Borealis of Eternal Confusion. Is it sparks? Is it spotlights? Is it the power of love breaking through a winter blizzard? It’s certainly not a hockey rink, unless we’ve all collectively forgotten what hockey arenas look like. If someone told you this scene takes place inside a cosmic lava lamp, you wouldn’t question it.
But let’s not forget the tagline—oh wait, there isn’t one. Probably for the best, because anything added would just be one more attempt at genre confusion on a cover that already looks like romance, sports, and fantasy genres got into a bar fight and left holding hands.
Bottom line: Heated Rivalry is what happens when an algorithm learns about romance novels and hockey at the same time and decides to shoot its shot. The result is a visual power play of clashing fonts, uncanny characters, and glowing nonsense that leaves us all questioning reality—and color grading.
We came for the love story. We stayed to figure out if those gloves were rendered in Microsoft Paint 2004.
Game misconduct: awarded.