Welcome to Battle Confused: Dumpster Edition
In a world ravaged by war and apparently also by 2003 Photoshop filters, two gritty heroes stand amidst the refuse of a mid-’90s PC game cutscene. One’s holding a weapon the size of a microwave, the other’s sporting enough blood splatter to qualify for a Dexter crossover—but don’t worry, he’s totally calm about it.
The cover gives us Battle Calm, but the vibe is Battle Clumsy. We’ve got a full-on junkyard inferno erupting behind our bloodied protagonist, whose stoic expression screams, “I missed my nap for this.” Meanwhile, the female lead looks like she’s either defending the planet or just really over this post-apocalyptic trash heap. Hard to tell.
Extra points for:
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The explosion that looks like a science fair volcano gone rogue.
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The font, which appears to have been inspired by angry IKEA assembly instructions.
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The Utah Book Award Finalist sticker, bravely clinging to the edge of chaos like it’s not totally out of its element.
This is the action thriller equivalent of someone trying to cosplay The Expendables at a Goodwill with $11 and a glue gun.
Verdict: Calm? Sure. But only if “calm” means quietly panicking while elbow-deep in digital debris.