If microbes really see the world like this, then we owe them an apology — not for our hygiene habits, but for this cover. Imagine Earth as a giant game board populated exclusively by gender-neutral restroom signs, all frozen mid-fall. Hovering above them? Two massive bacteria, inexplicably equipped with human faces and soap-opera-level eyebrow drama.

One microbe looks like it’s slowly drifting toward Earth for a monologue about betrayal, while the other just found out its best friend has been secretly using antibacterial hand gel. The sterile blue-gray backdrop really drives home the cold, empty feeling of contemplating microbial life — or, alternatively, of looking at clip art from 2003.

The title promises insight into “the secret world of microbes,” but the cover art screams PowerPoint slide from your cousin’s 7th-grade science fair. The real secret here? How this design survived the immune system of common sense.