Ah, nothing says “cozy mystery” like a cover that looks like a stationery set you’d buy from the bargain bin at Hobby Lobby—if Hobby Lobby catered to assassins. To All Those I’ve Killed Before seems to be aiming for a mysterious, minimalist vibe, but instead delivers the visual equivalent of a half-forgotten Christmas card you found in a junk drawer.
The off-center pine branch doodles whisper “festive cheer,” the blood-red wax seal shouts “medieval LARPing,” and the faux-handwritten title? It coyly hints at murder while somehow still managing to look like a passive-aggressive thank-you note. And let’s not ignore the fact that the word “killed” is in red and underlined, just in case subtlety wasn’t invited to this design meeting.
The paper background’s fake crease adds a charming touch, too—perfect for making your Kindle think it’s overdue for a cleaning. Honestly, it’s less “gripping murder mystery” and more “Pinterest mood board for a Hallmark holiday special about serial killers.”
And don’t forget the wax seal, as if the cover was written by a king sending a private message in medieval times. How posh!