The title alone dares you to look away—and the cover punishes you for trying. What NOT to Do When a Dominant Lesbian Realtor Attacks doesn’t just break the rules of cover design—it blindfolds them, ties them to a chair, and sells them a two-bedroom condo in a neighbourhood zoned for shame.
Let’s start with the typography, which is less “design” and more “ransom note from a distressed real estate agent.” We’re treated to an all-caps shouting match across the page, using a distressed stencil font that looks like it was lifted from a third-rate action movie poster. The words are stacked in a desperate attempt at hierarchy—“DOMINANT LESBIAN REALTOR ATTACKS” in bold, as if yelling louder makes it make sense. And just in case you weren’t sure what the vibe was, a pink banner across the top screams “What NOT to do” in a font that belongs on a Hot Topic clearance rack. Finishing things off, the author name at the bottom is rendered in hot pink lowercase sans-serif like a panicked afterthought. It’s a visual catastrophe, layered with all the restraint of a malfunctioning fireworks display.
Then there’s the stock photo, which appears to depict a woman in lingerie standing in what might be a marble-floored hotel lobby—or a courthouse doing a burlesque pop-up shop. No visible house. No open-plan kitchen. No real estate to be found. She’s wearing stilettos, a blank expression, and all the dignity this design left behind. But wait—look closer. Something’s very wrong.
Yes, folks, we have a full-blown Photoshop dismemberment incident. The model’s upper body looks like it was violently grafted onto a completely different lower half at the abdomen. It’s a visual frankenstein: the torso is facing one way, the hips another, and the bellybutton has filed a missing person report. Her spine is MIA, her waistline is a Möbius strip, and the resulting pose feels less sensual and more like a cursed mannequin.
There’s a stark disconnect between the bizarre title, the awkwardly edited figure, and the elegant marble backdrop. Are we in a hotel? A museum? Is the attack pending a building inspection? What is the tone here—parody, erotica, real estate thriller? The cover doesn’t know, and it’s not asking for help.
In the end, What NOT to Do When a Dominant Lesbian Realtor Attacks lives up to its own name—this is, quite literally, what not to do. It’s a chaotic blend of bad design, worse editing, and a title that might have started as a joke… but the cover art missed the punchline entirely. If this realtor attacks, may she spare the graphic designer.